Confessions

It’s really funny to pause for a moment and look back on the past few days and weeks and months and realize how God has been preparing my heart for what’s going on right now.  I’ve been praying for freedom from certain sins for a while now, but I never had the courage, strength, or desire to actually share these sins with anyone to get the help needed.  All this past week I’ve seen books or writings about confession, and I’ve heard people talking about taking off masks and just telling it how it is, and I’ve heard people talk about how good confession is for the soul, and I’ve read it in the bible.

 

Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

I’m learning that confession is a delicate, painful, long process that takes a heart that’s ready for it. You can’t really force someone into confession if their heart isn’t ready, or if they’re incredibly uncomfortable doing so. And don’t get too excited, I will not be confessing my sins on a blog or facebook or myspace or twitter or whathaveyou. Okay, Twitter has my little sins. But that’s besides the point.

The point is, the Lord has been doing some serious work on my heart. Serious. Work. And I’m okay with that. Because as much as it hurts to go through this process, as much as my heart aches and my stomach churns and my chest tightens… it hurts so much more having a heart of stone, not acknowledging that you’re actually falling apart, that your insides are just so hardened to what the Lord is saying and all the feelings that you should be having.

The past three nights have been full of confession. On my part, and on a few people around me. Today in Chapel, we even had a moment where we found a partner and confessed something that was a huge temptation in our lives.

If I may be so bold, the Lord really has been preparing me for this week. For this difficulty of admitting where I’ve fallen short, and talking about how it effects me and my feelings and the way I think and speak and view the world. And I think the Lord has placed me here at FCC for a reason, and this is just a small part of that reason. The people around me have helped me grow. They’ve listened to me, talked to me, prayed with me and just been there to hold my hand. And, I like to think that I’ve been there to do the same for them. Actually, I know I have. And it’s so incredible how the Lord has been at work through all of this, through last semester and right up until just a couple of hours ago. The Lord is good, and I am so blessed. I am so beyond blessed.

Confessing is so hard sometimes.  Okay, pretty much every time.  But when your heart cries out for it, longs for someone to hear and understand, that’s when you’re ready to change and you’re ready to face the pain.  Confession digs up what one puts so much effort into burying.  Confession scrapes away the callouses that took so long to cover the heart.  Confession breaks the chains that have tightened and rusted over.  Confession brings tears that have been held back for far too long.  Confession pricks the heart so that you start to feel something again.  Confession makes you face the memories you thought you threw away.  Confession takes the emotions that were denied and discarded and brings them to the surface to be laid out on the table.  As my counseling professor would say, confession is like “gutting” someone.  You gut them, and all their insides fall out onto the table.  You’ve got to get rid of the bad stuff before you can put everything back in its place.

I have been gutted.

My insides are out on the table.

I’m sorting through the bad stuff, with the help of a few close friends, and throwing out the poison.

Soon, I’ll be able to examine what’s left and decide that it’s good.

I’ll put it back inside and stitch myself up.

The poison will be gone.

 

Confession is a funny thing.  God works in funny ways sometimes, through the most unexpected places and people and timings.

 

 

 

***edit. I just spent fifteen minutes typing in bible verses only to hit ‘publish’ and then re-read my blog and see that they all disappeared. They will be posted, for sure, later on… because, man, they were good passages. (: