Refined

Yesterday was a long day. I woke up with a blasting headache, considered going to class, skipped class (and consequently missed a quiz), went back to bed, and woke up at noon in time to shower and get ready for my 1 o’clock class. After that class, another. My favorite class. Law&Gospel. Such valuable information and teachings come from that class, from Doc. Smith! He is a wonderful man, and sometimes I secretly wish that he was a grandfather of mine. haha. (: Anyways, after classes, I hopped in the truck with Brandy and drove her up to Jacksonville. We hit traffic on I4, and what should have taken thirty or forty-five minutes took an hour and a half. Joy. (: So I dropped her off in Jax, and then ate a late dinner and took a driving break at Chick-fil-a. It was nice to be able to recharge and just spend time writing in my journal. I definitely didn’t spend a lot of time there, and my journal entry is only two or three sentences, but it was nice. And I was able to make it all the way back home in decent time in one piece. Praise the Lord. (:

The drive home alone was my favorite, I think. My favorite for the whole day. I haven’t cried in a while, at least not a real cry, so while I was going +70 on I-95 at night, I figured it was as good as time as any to cry. (; Smart, right? heh. I cried out to the Lord, and just shared my heart with Him. I haven’t done that in a while, and I told Him that I was sorry for that. I’ve been neglecting our relationship, and I wonder if He even remembered me… of course, He does. He always does. I don’t think He is capable of forgetting any of His children. How can you forget a child? Your child? Anyways, I cried out to the Lord, and shared my heart, and shared with Him sins I’ve been trying to hide from Him. There was more to this conversation I had with Him, and it included lots of song singing and praying through songs and praying the words of the songs I was hearing, and at one point I turned off the music all together and just sat in His presence. It was like He was there with me…

The reason for today’s blog is to share with everyone how much I desire to be refined. This is the definition from dictionary.com:
Refined
–adjective
1. having or showing well-bred feeling, taste, etc.
2. freed or free from coarseness, vulgarity, etc.
3. freed from impurities.
4. very subtle, precise, or exact.

Numbers 2 and 3 are my favorite, and I think it shows what I mean by refined. Right? Here is my journal entry from today. Don’t get use to me sharing them with you, because it’s very, very rare that I let someone see inside my journal. It’s like seeing inside my soul…

Last night I had a good drive home. It was only good because I felt like you were in the passenger seat with me. But I think I’d like you to be in the driver seat of my life. So won’t you come and lead me? Take care of me. Use the mommy seat belt when needed. Yeah? Won’t you come and be my driver? Or maybe I’ll drive, but you be my navigator? Be my GPS.
I want only to bring praise to You, Dad. So change me from the inside out. Change my thoughts so that my actions will change. Change my heart so that the way I love will change. Change my eyes to see how You see, so I can go and be who you want me to be. I know that there is something out there that You are preparing me for. Continue to work in me and through me, Lord. Refine me through the flame. Only You can do what I’m asking. Humble me here on earth so that I may be able to stand in Your presence holding on to nothing but Your Love and Grace and Mercy.
God, help me be the kind of devoted the way that Ruth was devoted to Naomi. Help me to be that devoted to You. Even more so. Ruth did everything Naomi asked of her, and she did it with a happy heart. Help me to at the very least be that devoted to You.

Love.

I’m sharing with the blogging community out there because, hopefully, there will be a few of you that will pray alongside me for these things. Maybe someone out there needs to be refined also. Maybe someone doesn’t. I don’t know.

To have my flaws laid out in front of me like they were last night, and still are, is sobering. Someone even told me yesterday evening, “you look very sober right now.” I wasn’t sure what he meant, so I asked him if he meant sober as in a sobering moment, or sober as in not drunk. “A sobering moment. A very sobering moment. More than usual.”

It’s because it was a sobering moment. After Law&Gospel, I was convicted a little bit. Enough to get me thinking. Enough to cause my eyes to remember that I haven’t cried in a while, so they started welling up on their own before Brandy and I even got out of Kissimmee. They were stinging so much that I had to avoid eye contact, and I had to jump out of the truck and hurry and pump some gas in it. And, when Brandy reads this, she’ll be frustrated that I didn’t tell her what was up, but nothing was really wrong. I was just thinking of how awesome the Lord is, and how great His mercies are, and how amazing He is for being so gracious and loving me despite all my flaws. And on the way home last night, I was able to verbally acknowledge that and just praise Him for who He is. And it was good. Because the Lord is good. All the time. And I loved it.