Hurricane

So, I’m stealing the theme of this entry from an entry that a friend wrote about a week ago. Thanks, Allison, for introducing me to this song. (: I love it.

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Last week, Tuesday I think it was, I had a really rough night. Spiritually and emotionally, I was being attacked — drained, really. I haven’t been “filling up” with the Word, or by prayer, so I was weak to begin with… and emotionally? Emotionally I was just a mess. My rough night only got more rough as time wore on, and I was being foolish and not turning to God when I should have done so from the very beginning of this whole mess. For years I’ve kept a part of me hidden from everyone else, and I still feel very protective over that part of me, which is why I refuse to have a tell-all blog about my issues.

Thankfully, the Lord is faithful. Always. And it was because of his faithfulness and constant pursuit of my heart that I was able to be pulled out of this pit I had kept throwing myself in to. I prayed for God to hurry up and fix this. Fix my heart, heal it up, and help me move on. It’s a bit more difficult than that, and God knows it far better than I do. “Hurricane” is such a great song to me because this song is like my prayer was… I wanted so badly on Tuesday night for God to just break me so I wouldn’t have to put up with this anymore, so that I could finally escape this vicious cycle. I needed Him like a hurricane, to tear my walls down. Like a burning flame, to burn these walls down. And He did, and here I am rebuilding myself with the Lord’s help. Long process. Difficult process. Year long + process… (;

Luckily, Tuesday night my roommate was also able to talk me down from this irrational state I was in… or rather, she listened to me as I talked myself down (though, as always, she had plenty of kind words and encouraging things to say), and she helped me talk myself down. The night was long, and aggravating, and produced nothing but guilt and a lot of hurt. I can see how God used it to bring me back to him, though. Because of that horrible night, the next day I made the decision to spend the night with God and to just meditate on his word, sit in silence and listen, and pray even if I didn’t have anything but sighs and sounds of frustration to let out.

And he used it. In my brokenness, God spoke to me. I didn’t hear a voice, and I didn’t have some weird prophetic dream, and I didn’t have a sudden revelation. It was a slow process, and by the end of the night I had made the decision to not make any serious commitments until the next morning. There’s something about knowing you’re about to fall asleep in the middle of a prayer that’s just really comforting, so I decided to keep praying and drift off instead of fight it.

In the morning, after a swim, I decided on one big thing.

And you’ll learn what that one big thing was on May 7th, 2011. I look forward to you reading about it. (;

Meanwhile, here are the lyrics to Hurricane by Jimmy Needham which speak to me at this time. How the Lord used my brokenness and torn all my walls down, just to show me how much I needed him. I’m only His now.

I have built a city here
Half with pride and half with fear
Just wanted a safer place to hide
I don’t want to be safe tonight

Come be my hurricane