0541 and CFA

Wednesday was Day 14. On Day 14, I, again, broke my year long commitment after a lapse of reason.

On Day 16, I confessed this relapse to my best friend. This was much more difficult of a confession than any other previous time, as I had waited more than a whole day to tell her, and usually I tell her almost immediately. Why the wait, you ask? I thought that maybe I shouldn’t tell her. After all, I keep her constantly busy with worry anyways, and this would just be one more thing for her to worry about, mull over in her head, and be angry and disappointed with me. So, I opted not to tell her, and it was all going great until about 3:48am on Day 16, I was tossing and turning and my mind was whipping around like a hurricane as I laid in bed next to Megan. (It was a sleep over, so of course we shared the bed. Duh.) Usually, meaning when I’m in my own room, I would just stay there and keep tossing and turning, but since I was sharing a bed with someone, I knew I couldn’t keep doing that. So I quietly, or, as quietly as I could, rolled out of bed, grabbed my comforter and pillow, and headed out to the living room to sleep on the couch. And by sleep, I really mean just lay there and stare at the ceiling, or sit there and stare at all the boxes in the living room. Whatever I was going to do, it didn’t work. Megan came out and sat next to me, sad that I had left her, and clearly wide awake.

I only left because I thought she was fast asleep. She had the sleep-breathe going, so I thought I was in the clear.

But, apparently, she might have been fully awake the whole time. That, or she was sleeping, but as soon as I got up she woke up and was wide awake. This is how she explained it, you see.

Either way that it ended up happening, Megan came out and sat down next to me. We spent the next few moments in silence, or close to it, and those “moments” could have really been about twenty minutes or so. I’m not sure, since my sense of time had been thrown out the window after seeing the alarm clock’s numbers as I crawled out of bed.

Eventually, I ended up talking. I started it off with something along the lines of “I really didn’t want to tell you this,” and I could feel my heart breaking as I slowly realized that keeping this secret and sharing it later was obviously more painful than it would have been if I had just told her right away. But just because you realize that confession is going to be painful doesn’t mean that the pain is any easier bared.

So we stayed up all night. Literally. We finally crawled back in bed around 5:44am, and then decided that, heck, while we’re awake, we better take advantage of Chick-fil-a breakfast. So, I got hyped up and spent the next twenty minutes being a goober and Megan and I laughed and laughed, and then off we went.

But we stayed up all night. And Megan wouldn’t go to bed even when I told her to. Instead, she sat with me, holding my hand when I needed it. She spoke truth into my life again and again as I confessed and looked for hope and poured out questions and thoughts that had suddenly nailed me to the path that I had been walking. Couldn’t go forward, couldn’t step back… just stuck there.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have the best friend I think anyone could really have. We speak truth to each other, the Truth, and we love and we share kind words and encouragement and Hope. I lovelovelove that she speaks truth into my life time and again, and I lovelovelove her heart for the LORD, my God. I lovelovelove that she feels convicted about things, and that we can be so painfully honest with one another. I love it. And I lovelovelove this friendship that the Lord has given me… He is so good to me, and he knows exactly what I need. A friend like this is what I’ve been needing for a long, long time.

God, if you read lowly blogs written by ragamuffins… thank you.