Past Me

Journal entry from 8/15/08

School starts in a few days. Real soon. And then I’m a senior… and then I turn 18… and then I graduate. Dear God, I’ve grown up so fast. I feel like yesterday I was taking a tour around Crooms. How crazy. Did you mean for time to feel like it flies by? And did you mean for us to feel like time could stand still, too? Time is a funny thing, I’ve come to learn — it’s such a binding force. “Can’t do that — don’t have the time.” What a lame way to waste your life! God, please don’t let me waste my life worrying about time and whether or not there’s enough of it. I want to be able to live in the moment and look back when I’m 80 and say “wow — those were some good times,” and then jump on a four wheeler and ride off with the grandkids. Crazy, right? I think it would be a nice day. (: I don’t know — time seems like such a downer when you look back and think of all the stuff you wish you could have done. Oh, and when I think of the future and all that it may hold, I get excited. But not too excited. Like, I want the future to come, but it scares me at the same time. What if I end up failing out of FCC or something? Or what if I just have no idea what kind of degree I want, and I don’t ever declare one? What if I only end up getting my A.A., and doing nothing with my life? What if I never find a boy who loves me, just as I am, and actually wants to be with me? What if I become the old cat lady, or the Stoop Kid — just grown up? And what if I never ever do anything great for the kingdom? What if I just altogether fail at life, and never make you or anyone else proud? Then what? I can’t even begin to think of all the things that could happen in my life — but I know that I want for my life what You want. Whatever You desire is, Dad, I want it, too. If You want me to become a teacher in Asia and that gets to do mission work in Turkey — then so be it! I want that, too! Whatever You want, Dad, I want it! But, I do want to make You proud and to stand before You in heaven and hear you say, “well done my good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with few things, I will put you in charge of many!” Oh, how great that would be! Awesome!

Father, I pray that you give me patience as time goes on. That you give me patience when declaring a major, with boys, with going where you want me to go — patience with life in general and with growing up. You are the only thing that makes me breathe; the only thing that keeps me living. You are God — and it’s just better that way. It’s easier to give everything to you than it is to try and figure everything out by myself. Dad, you are amazing. How can someone deny you? How can anyone not acknowledge that you are supreme and amazing? Agh! It’s so aggravating! Dad, you’ve blessed me with so much, and for all that I thank you. I have a good life. Yes. Yes, indeed a spectacular life! Why? Because today I am alive, and because I am alive today, right now, I can give thanks and praise You! Everyday given to praise you is a fantastic day! (:

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In a lot of ways, 2008 Me is a whole lot cooler than 2010 Me. 2008 Me was concerned about the important things (mostly. there are plenty of journal entries focused on things far from God). 2008 Me wasn’t concerned with time, or money. 2008 Me wasn’t concerned about what other people thought. 2008 Me sought out the Lord every chance I got. But 2008 Me was a bit snotty, and a whole lot more cruel than 2010 Me. 2008 Me didn’t understand things I read in the bible. 2008 Me didn’t know any biblical history. 2008 Me made decisions without thinking them through. 2008 Me threw responsibility and love for others out the door. 2008 Me had an insatiable desire to travel, and in turn prayed mostly for God to use me in a traveling abroad sense. 2008 Me was worried about boys; when I would have one to call my own, if I would have one to call my own. 2008 Me was immature in many ways, and very mature in others. 2008 me was wise on paper, and foolish in action.

2010 Me is determined to be as in the Word as 2008 Me was. 2010 Me is determined to be that wise, and wiser, not only on paper but in action. 2010 Me is full of Love, and Truth, and breath. 2010 Me is excited for the future, and ready to embrace it, regardless of how scared I am. 2010 Me isn’t as worried about the same things that 2008 Me was worried about. 2010 Me still isn’t sure about a degree to major in, or a serious plan for my life… but 2010 Me is still as eager and willing to let God work in my life, maybe even more eager and willing.