Sleepless Nights

Usually my sleepless nights are a product of procrastination or serious conversation with the best friend. Last night and tonight are products of… well… my brain. My brain just won’t shut up long enough for me to fall asleep, and it’s really starting to get to me (even after two days).

Tonight, I started thinking about my wanderlust and how it has never really been fed or fulfilled in a way that’s lasting. I have a huge desire for travel. But not even just for travel… I have a huge desire to travel to different places and do something great for the Lord. So really, I have the heart of a missionary… or something like that?

My wanderlust is so extreme, actually, that whenever I told my youth pastor or various youth sponsors about where I was planning on going next, they would roll their eyes and brush it off. This is probably because I’ve never actually followed through with any of my traveling/missionary-ing plans. I never went on a Mercy Ship, and I’ve never been to Africa to play with the orphans. I’ve never been to Venezuela or any South American country to hand out Christmas Child boxes. I’ve never taken an urban trip to New York City to be a fisher of men, and I’ve never spread the word in Atlanta. I’ve never gone to China and planted secret churches, and I’ve never been to a Rapha House to speak love into the lives of former sex slaves. I’ve never gone to Italy or Greece to see the beauty and culture, and I have never once gone to Haiti for relief efforts or to love on the orphans and abandoned children.

I have however backed out and/or changed my mind about thirty times.

And I fear it’s happening again.

Next summer I’m supposed to go to Cambodia to spend time at a Rapha House. I’m supposed to go and speak love into lives that I may never see again. I’m supposed to go and witness the atrocities firsthand, and bring back my knowledge and new-found passion and share it with the world. I’m supposed to raise $3,000 and get a bunch of shots and get a passport… to go to Cambodia.

But I’m starting to get those thoughts.

You know… those thoughts. The ones of inadequacy. The ones of unworthiness. The ones of uncertainty. Those thoughts. And the thoughts come heavy, and far sooner than I ever expected them.

Is next year really the time for me to be going to Cambodia? Am I really going to make a difference at all to the girls at RH? Am I really going to be able to raise $3,000? Am I really being called there, or is my own selfishness that’s driving me towards this trip? Is there something better out there for me? Should I be aiming for a different trip? Is God really wanting me to go to Cambodia at all? How am I going to make a difference in their lives? I’m just one person, aren’t I?

So, this is what’s on my mind tonight. My inability to be committed to such a large trip. Small things I can commit to, no problem. Big trips that have the possibility for big failure? Not so much.

bah.