Redo!

Can I get a do-over? Because I’ve taken about six of them since this one year commitment started. That’s right, dear readers. Megan Tucker can’t stick to her commitment. Shocking, right?

It’s weird, and sad, and incredibly sickening, but I can see the act of messing up before it even happens. I can see it about to happen, and I hear God calling me back to Him, but I don’t ever listen and I keep on running towards those desires.

Just tonight, not five minutes ago, I messed up the year commitment again. It’s heartbreaking. This is about the fifth time or something like that. At first, I was going to push through my year until next May 7th, and count up the mess-ups and see how well or how poorly I did. But then I decided to start the year over every time I messed up. Starting the year over gave me a better look at my progress anyways, since I could count the weeks (or in some cases, days) that I had been clean. Monday would have marked a week. And before that, it had been a few days or something, and before that it had been three weeks. Three weeks. That’s the longest this sort of sobriety has lasted. Three measly weeks.

And now I’m back to day one.

You know what I was thinking right before, and during?

The Glory of It All by David Crowder

At the start
He was there
He was there
In the end
He’ll be there
He’ll be there
And after all
Our hands have wrought
He forgives

Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

All is lost
Find Him there
Find Him there
After night
Dawn is there
Dawn is there
And after all
Falls apart
He repairs
He repairs

Oh, He is here
With redemption from the fall
That we may live
For the glory of it all
Oh, the glory of it all

After night
Comes a light
Dawn is here
Dawn is here
It’s a new day, a new day
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same
Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
We will never be the same

“What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?”
Romans 7:24

Trapped. In a perpetual state of brokenness, it feels like.
I feel like my life has become nothing more than counting the weeks of being clean, of being “good.”

I’m not sure what to do.

I’m just trying to remember grace.

Prayers would be nice, if you could spare some.