A much needed break!

Sometimes I’m not all too sure about what’s going inside my heart.  I don’t really know how to explain what’s going on inside.  I don’t know how to identify my feelings.  I think I’ve just taken on this idea that if I don’t identify my feelings, it must mean that I don’t really have any.  And so far, that mentality has really worked well for me.  It’s gotten me through a lot of tough situations where I just brush off whatever happened, no matter how much it hurt me.  And it’s been beneficial in times of prosperity, too, I guess… It has kept me from getting way too happy about something, or way too optimistic.  So I guess it’s kept me from getting myself up for the letdown, if that makes sense.

But now I’m sitting here, a week away from Thanksgiving break, and I know exactly how I’m feeling.

I’m feeling like I’m about to explode.  Like my head is about to explode, like my heart is about to explode.  All the thinking and working and running around these past few months has been taking it’s toll on me.  Everything about me, my heart, my mind, my soul, my body… everything about me is just so tired.

And so here I am, anxious for Thanksgiving break.  Jittery.  Twitchy.  Just so, so excited to get out of Kissimmee.  So excited to get out of the ordinary and into the world and into my exploration mode.  I’m so excited to just forget about everything that’s going on in life and just go.  I think I’ll just grab a map of St. Augustine and ask around for the good places to eat and the good places to hang out and the great places that no one really knows about… I’ll just grab a map and some recommendations and just go.  Just wander around St. Aug, and go.  It will be the perfect blend of the familiar and the unfamiliar.  It will be so wonderful, to know generally where I am and have a general idea of what I’ll be doing each day… but it will be so freaking awesome to just go and decided, hey, I don’t actually want to go to the fort today, I think I want to go further into the city.  That’s the freedom I long for in life, and Thanksgiving break will be so wonderful for my heart.  I’m really looking forward to this!  I’ll be away from any people I see on a regular basis (I think I’ll be hooking up with a few friends while I’m up there since I haven’t seen them in so long), and I’ll be in some place that needs exploring and needs pictures taken of it.  I’ll be in this place where lots of people go, but not many people see.  I’ll be alone, but not completely alone.  I’ll be adventurous, but still cautious.  This is an exciting level of anonymity and exploration that I’ve only ever encountered one other time.  This is just feeding my desires and fueling my wanderlust, and I need this break like I need air.  I just need to get away, and to be my own person for a moment, and to breathe, and to take some much needed alone time.  I need to be free of the expectations that the people around me put on me.  Not meaning that their expectations are too high, or that they’re oppressive… I just need to go somewhere where no one knows me, and I need to meet new people and see a new place.  Am I crazy?  The likelihood of that trait runs high in my family.

The great thing about this break is that my heart craves this sort of thing.  My heart longs for it.  When there’s an opportunity to travel, I’m not just like, “Oh, yeah.  That would be kinda neat to go to (insert location).”  No.  No way.  My heart freaking jumps out of my chest and screams into a megaphone “YES! YES I WANT TO GO! YES! YES I’LL GO! I WANT TO GO! LET ME GO! IT WILL BE SO AWESOME! YES! YES! I’M SO EXCITED! I’M SO EXCITED!”  That’s what my heart does… and that’s not even an exaggeration, friend!  My heart just loves this sort of stuff, and traveling is so good for my soul.  Being out on my own and exploring and taking photos and just wandering around being adventurous… this is what the child in me loves.  To find a good hole-in-the-wall cafe’, and to sit there for a few hours drinking a cup of coffee or a latte’ or something, and reading, or just people watching… that’s good.  That is good for my heart.

And all this leads me to a question:  Does the Lord put desires on your heart that He doesn’t intend to fulfill?

I mean, really.  Does God put desires on your heart that He doesn’t intend to fulfill?  Would he let you love something so much (like for me, traveling and exploring, etc.) if He wasn’t going to let you do it?  Would God really instill the desire to explore and go on adventures in me if He didn’t want me to go on adventures and to go exploring?  Because I’ve wanted to travel since I can remember!  I’ve been exploring things since I was young!  I remember going into the woods behind our neighborhood and exploring, and we were definitely not supposed to go into those woods.  Mom would have wrung my neck if she knew I was roaming around out there by myself.  Of course, I stayed within site of whatever trails I happened upon, just so I wouldn’t get lost… but I loved it.  I loved finding things.  And I loved the possibility of running into the homeless guy that lived back there.  I just thought it was so exciting.  Did I go about exploring the right way?  Not really back then.  But I’m pretty safe about things now.  I carry a pretty sharp pocket knife that also doubles as my fishing knife, and I have a hammer and screwdriver in my driver’s side door just in case any screwball thinks it’d be cool to attack me while I’m in my car, and I know the number for 9-1-1 backwards and forwards (1-1-9, hello).

Anyways.  I think I have a good question here, folks.  Does the Lord put desires on your heart if He doesn’t intend to fulfill them?

I know what I think, and I think you know what I think… But I want to hear what you think.

Ready… post!