God is so good.

Sometimes I forget just how wonderful the Lord is. Like, I know he’s great. He’s God. Hello. But sometimes I just get so wrapped up in my life and worries and stresses that I just forget to remember how good He really is, and how He has been taking care of me this whole time.

Wednesday in prayer class we covered ‘Conversational Prayer.’ This has to be my most favorite one so far, because I am someone who likes conversation, and I’m the crazy girl you see driving down 192 talking to myself in the truck. I’m not actually talking to myself at these times, I’m usually talking to God. Maybe that’s a little silly, but I just like actually talking to God. Writing is nice and easy, but I feel like it’s super final when it’s on paper. Silent prayers in my mind are okay, but I get easily sidetracked. Talking outloud? I can say, “no, scratch that. Sorry. I really meant this…” and just keep going, and it’s more difficult for me to get distracted when I’m actually talking.

Anyways, so on Wednesday the professor had us grab two chairs and set them up facing each other. We were to sit in one, and God sat in the other. In our prayer journals we were to write out our prayers like a conversation, waiting for the Lord’s reply after we spoke. My fifteen minutes doing that on Wednesday were phenomenal. I’m serious. Here is just a little taste of how it went down…

GOD: You’re blaming yourself again.

Me: I know. I know, I know, I know. Blaming myself and feeling guilty and wishing it had never happened. God, can’t you just take this heartache away?

GOD: You’re growing through it. Be patient with yourself. Be patient with me.

[…]

Me: So what do I do now? How do I cope? What do I move on to? How do I get over this? Over all of it? Because, you know, it is partly my fault. It was dangerous. I liked it sometimes. Sometimes I hated it, but sometimes I liked it. […] Explain that. Explain how I move forward? Give me some directions so I can just get over it and grow up and stop being a baby.

GOD: It’s not about growing up or about being a baby. It’s about healing. Healing takes time. Be patient. I love you. I love you. I love you. Healing will come. New life will come. Be patient. Behold, for I am making all things new. You are my beloved. I’m going to take care of you.

And there you have it. That’s how the Lord silenced me on Wednesday. That’s how He completely changed my view of this thing I’m working through. That’s how He knocked the wind right out of me. That’s how I wound up dizzy from grace. That’s how I got to being lovestruck. That’s the moment it sort of all came crashing down on me… That’s how I got back to knowing God cared, to hearing his voice again. That’s when I realized I’d been trying to heal myself, trying to do open heart surgery with my own shaky hands. This whole time I’ve been trying to heal, I’ve been making the wounds bigger and the pain deeper. And here God is, whispering these sweet words to me. In my mind, I pictured God sitting there, a knowing look in His eye and a sad smile on His face. And even though His smile was sad, and the look one that knew pain, somewhere in His face was hope. Somewhere in His eyes were grace. And every bit of light that flew out of Him screamed of love.

He’s been sitting in that fold-up chair this whole time, just waiting for me to look at Him and listen to him. He’s been waiting for me to look at him instead of the past I’ve been so desperately trying to hide from His view.

Last night, the Lord said this to me:

Listen. Be silent. I will never let go of you, daughter.