Well…

Tonight has been a long night. One that definitely took its toll on my emotions and energy and patience. I guess it’s all very much worth it, though, because I can see God moving through everything. Which is freaking fantastic. Sometimes I forget to look back to see how far I’ve come, and in doing so I forget to look back and remember how much God has done for me/brought me through.

I was recounting the ways Yahweh has come through for me in the past couple of years, and I had to laugh at the irony of it all. Almost four years ago now (maybe?) I was sitting on a picnic bench with a dear friend. That conversation led to a decision in my heart to go to Florida Christian College and major in counseling. After a lot of career changes in a few short years (and sometimes months), and lots of different plans being made for after high school graduation, I finally settled on FCC. And here I am right now, in my apartment on campus, the clacking of the keyboard probably annoying my roommate, and I’m majoring in counseling. What I want to do with that degree, I’m not entirely sure. Perhaps something along the lines of social work, or non-profit stuff like Rapha House (uhm, hello. Yes, please!), but no definite plans have been laid on my heart. Or maybe something has. I don’t know. Everything regarding my future tends to scare and confuse me, which I suppose is normal for any nineteen year old. Do people really have their lives planned out their sophomore year of college, or am I just a loon? (and by loon, I mean crazed person. Not the fish-eating, diving birds with webbed feet, short tails, and a laughlike cry. [ <–the free dictionary. (; haha])

Anyways. Confused. Scared. Nervous. Anxious.

I was telling my mom this on Saturday night… I really just want to be done with school, and have a career, a dog, and my own apartment. This is really the only thing I want right now. To be done with school, completely. So, perhaps have a masters in something, or maybe I’ll be SUPER studios and go for a doctorate (HAH!). And I really want to just be settled into my career. Something that’s fast-paced, and having to do with travel, and preferably something that has to do with me fighting for social justice. Like working at the Rapha House, or starting my own non-profit, or being a case worker for some abused kids. And I definitely want a dog. Maybe a golden retriever, or something else big and awesome. Name him Fletcher or Sawyer or something else a little off key. And I definitely, definitely want my own apartment. I love being with friends, that’s awesome, and I love who my roommate/best friend is. So maybe I could live with one other person. But the idea of sharing an apartment this small with three other people for the next three or four years? It makes my skin itch. I hate it. I want to have space to breathe, you know?

Anyways. (Why do I always start out with ‘anyways’? I’ve seriously got to fix that.)

 

Anywhos, tonight I was thinking over the idea of love and grace, and how the Lord could ever love me as much as He does, or have as much grace for me as He has. And I keep going back to this Mumford&Sons song Sigh No More, and I can’t help but get chills every time it plays. It speaks so profoundly to my soul, and it sort of gets my blood pumping. Like, yeah. This is what God is like. This is it. This is His love. It doesn’t betray, dismay, or enslave. It does set the sinner free.

Here. Read them. Look them up and listen to them.

Serve God love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea, one on shore
My heart was never pure
And you know me
And you know me

And man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Yep. That’s it. Now, I don’t know if you felt anything when you read that last verse, but when I heard it, I about peed my pants.

 

That’s all I have for you. My mind just went blank, and I’m freaking tired.

 

Yes.