there are these two megans, you see…

I realize tonight that there are two Megans.

There is the Megan I see.

And there is the Megan everyone else sees.

The difference between these two is huge. There’s a huge difference.

The Megan I see is no where near as great as the Megan everyone else sees.

And the Megan everyone else sees is somehow way more amazing than the Megan I see.

The only thing is, I can see how God is trying to reconcile the two. I can look at me from the outside and see God making the two into one, and the traits that are most commonly associated with the Megan everyone else sees are the traits that are taking root and beginning to grow.

and that scares me.

It scares me because, what if I am as great as everyone says I am? What if I am as great as the Megan that everyone sees?

Part of me is longing so much to be that other Megan — the great Megan.

But another part of me, a desperate, sad, confused part of me is clinging to the Megan that I see.

Because, for some reason, this Megan seems better. Not better, but more real. More tangible. More along the lines of someone I can actually be.

Because, what if I try and be this other Megan? The Megan everyone else sees? What if I actually believed in her, and tried to be her? What if I failed at it? What if I failed miserably and everyone actually saw the Megan that I see? What if people saw the real Megan, the Megan I see, and then realized I wasn’t as great as they had thought?

Are these rational? Am I being rational right now?

The me that so desperately wants and needs the Megan that everyone else sees says I’m being irrational, and lame, and stupid. But the me that clings so tightly to the Megan I see tells me I hit the nail on the head. She tells me that I’m right. Just like I always have been.

 

This is where my heart is at tonight.