I’m not even sure I can give this a proper title.

Oh, I need to gather my thoughts.

So many things have been learned this year, and by “this year” I mean 2011. It’s only Day 4, but I have had so much to think about, and most of it only came into play last night after 7pm.

I don’t even know where to start.

So I guess I might just start with coming out of my hiding place. Because, I am in a hiding place, you know. I’m a really, really great hider. I hide my feelings, and I hide who I really am (though, I’m not 100% sure who I really am), and I hide my desires and passions and loves from people. I guess I hide to protect myself. I mean, I know that I hide to protect myself. Everyone does. It’s our first natural reaction to sin. We hide. We do something wrong, or we see something wrong or bad, or we have something wrong or bad done to us. And in response, we learn to hide from it.

I hide my feelings because during the first few years of my troubled, sad, lonely adolescent life, my feelings were sort of trampled on. Doors were open to me that invited me into a room where I could be myself and share what was really on my heart, but before the person who opened the door would come in with me, they slammed the door in my face. Instead of coming into this room of honesty and listen to me and hear me out and work through things with me like should have been done, the door was shut, and I was left inside by myself. I learned quickly that no one really wants to go into that room with me. No one really wants to know how I’m truly feeling, and no on really cares. So I learned to hide that room of feelings. At first I think I hid in that room, door locked and lights turned off so no one would know I was there. But I think there was some point where I just hid the room itself, and I remained outside, acting like that room of feeling didn’t even exist. The door, locked and bolted and only I have the key, if I can even remember where I placed the thing. The windows, blacked out. And no one has been back, even in that hallway, in quite some time. No one even knows that door, that room, even that hallway exists.

That’s how good I’ve learned to hide.

And I’m learning, rather quickly, that it is time to start unhiding. It’s time to start shedding some light on the things that I have been so fearful of.

Another thing I’ve learned in the past twenty-four hours? Seek God.

I know, I know. “Seek God? You didn’t already know that?”

I did know that. But I didn’t have a very good understanding of it. I still don’t, really. But what I do have is a new encouragement to seek God. I’ve witnessed great things happen when one seeks the Lord with their all. And, I don’t ever really do anything with my all. I’m always worried that my ‘all’ won’t be enough.

But, the great thing about God is that He is enough. And all we have to be is ready and willing. All we have to be is willing to cling to the Truth. And, the Truth is in the Bible. It’s plain as day. This is this, and that is that. And I just can’t see why I’ve never really grasped the idea that I don’t have to be enough, because Jesus is. I’ve never really held onto that idea, and I am just so saddened that I never did. I’ve never really clung to the Truth, though I’ve heard it since I was young. Instead of clinging to Jesus and to the Truth that He speaks, I’ve sort of hid from it.

There’s that hiding thing again. Did you catch that? I’ve hid from it, because I’m afraid of it.

I’m afraid that maybe it’s not even true. Maybe God won’t catch me if I jump. Maybe God won’t work all things together for my good. Maybe God won’t do that thing I’ve really desired for Him to do. Maybe He’ll do the exact opposite.

It’s that sort of fear that has paralyzed me for so many years.

And I’m sort of, really, very sick of this paralysis. I’m tired of it. I want something new. Something… awesome.

This paralysis of the soul is not awesome. And it’s definitely not new. And it most certainly is not what God, the Father, the Creator, has desired for me. And the more I think over the conversation I had last night with a dear friend (really, it was very one-sided, because I just sat their dumbfounded and in awe by what the Lord had revealed to her and in turn was revealing to me), I can just see Jesus’ eyes. And they’re sad eyes. So sad. And so tired, I think. Like, there He is. Just standing there. Sort of saying, “uhh… hello. I’m right here.” And if He’s there, He’s been there all along. And instead of running towards Jesus like my heart so longs to do, I’ve rationalized and been very logical about everything. And in my rationalizations and logical thinking, I’ve chosen, whether subconsciously or very much consciously, to say No to Jesus and Yes to Satan. And what a terrible thing, and I am saddened by the audacity and the apathy and the hiding. I’m so saddened by it, and almost sickened by how much more wonderful life would be if I would have just said Yes to Jesus to begin with.

And so I’m here. Fighting back all the logical thinking and rationalizations and pushing towards that little thing called hope.

I think I’m losing it. I think I’m sort of maybe losing my mind, in that I’m trying to do all of this just on faith. Just on hope. Just on trust.

Because, the Lord is faithful, right? The Lord is faithful and works for the good in all things of those who love Him? And the Lord loves me so relentlessly? And the Lord desires for me to do things based on the foundations of faith and hope and love, right? And the Lord wants me to seek Him, and to do His will, and to first maybe find out what His will actually is? And maybe the Lord wants me to follow Him wherever He leads, though He may not always reveal the destination, right?

I’m not very good at blogging. And I’m really horrible at closers, I think. But I just can’t think right now after all of that. I think the next blog will be coming real soon, but will probably be about grace and love. Not just any grace and love, but the Grace and Love that the Lord has so graciously lavished upon me. The Grace and Love that I’m still trying to accept and understand and grasp.