sigh #2

Tonight Tim Gray spoke at Ignite at the school. He was talking about Mary and Martha in Luke 10, and I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I’ve been being more like Martha than Mary. I want to be a Mary so badly. To just sit at the feet of Jesus and… sit? listen? learn? gaze? To sit at the feet of Jesus would be such a wonderful thing.

And here I am, worrying and being upset about many things, when only one thing is needed. I have chosen the wrong thing to do by running around and trying to make sure my life is in order before I sit and take great pleasure in the Lord. But doesn’t the Lord want us to be comfortable, and willing, to sit at his feet when our lives aren’t in order? Doesn’t the Lord want us to be trusting of him, and to take comfort in knowing that he is the creator of all things orderly? There is an order to life, you know. And God created life. So clearly, God created order. And here I am, in the midst of chaos, and though it’s not pretty and it’s not desirable, God still sees it and still sees me in all my mess and still tells us to be still. But not only to be still before him, but to be still and know that he is God.

Here I am, worrying and crying and being upset about things that I can’t do anything to change. I’m worrying about crap that doesn’t need to be worried about, because worrying is only hurting me. I am physically tired, exhausted really. And I am beat. I have beaten myself up so much in the last two days, more than I ever have.

And the Lord sees it. The Lord sees me.

“Be still.”

It’s not a question, or a demand. It isn’t being shouted, and I’m not being scolded.

It is a strong suggestion… a desire. And it is being whispered. And I am being wrapped up in the most wonderful of loves and graces and mercies.

And you know what tomorrow is?

“New. Just like His mercy. I love new because it means we get to write our story all over again.”

 

Tomorrow is new. Today may not be, but today is almost over. And when today is over, tomorrow is here and tomorrow is new. And new is what I need. New is what I desire and crave and new is what I am so desperate for.