Real v. Facade

Basically, I’m here tonight wishing I could just be real for once.

Sometimes I feel super trapped in this bible college bubble. Which, I suppose a lot of us (students) might. I’m tired of walking on egg shells around people and pretending like I don’t have issues and problems. I’m tired of pretending like I don’t have struggles and temptations that I can’t just overcome as easily as people make it seem. Because, it’s not easy at all. None of it is.

Tonight at church, I was so encouraged. And now, only a couple hours later, I am here feeling discouraged beyond belief because I don’t think Jesus ever felt as though he was walking on eggshells. Because, he probably wasn’t. Jesus was just himself, and if those Pharisees didn’t like it, well they could kiss Jesus’ butt because He’s the Son of God and that’s it. Jesus felt a lot of the emotions I feel, but I’m not so sure he thought “bad” words and mean things about people. I’m not so sure that he really cared what anyone thought of him other than, do they believe that he’s the Son of God? I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t have a dean and a resident director to answer to if they did something against the rules. Sure, he had Pharisees… but again. Son of God. Hello? Are you even listening?

So here I am, struggling with decisions and self-doubt and self-hatred and self-fill-in-the-blank. Here I am having a hard time accepting the fact that I am at this college and these are the rules I must follow (and enforce) and that I chose this for myself. These rules are forced upon me and I do not force them upon anyone else, but instead we have chosen them for ourselves by agreeing to come here.

Perhaps I’m wrong in all of this. Maybe I shouldn’t be fed up with this real v. facade thing because I am an RA, and because I am Sophomore class Prez, and because I do have some sort of standing within the student body. Perhaps I shouldn’t be feeling these things or angered by such things, but instead maybe I should be happy with the way things are. Maybe I shouldn’t even be wanting or tempted to do the things against the rules anyways. Maybe I should be a good person and only think and do good things and only always follow rules and guidelines because I’m supposed to and people expect it of me.

Maybe I should be swallowing all of my individuality and the things that make me unique so that I can be a good example.

But I can’t. And I refuse to continue conforming to these things that I am not.

And perhaps this post gets me in trouble with the school. I think I’d be okay with that, if someone found it and followed it and yelled at me or turned me in or removed me from the positions I hold. Maybe I’d be okay with getting kicked out, if anything I ever do is actually at all that bad. But nothing I do is actually that bad. I’m human. What are you asking of me? Are you asking me to wipe my slate clean and then keep it spotless? Are you asking me to pretend I don’t have a past, and to not bring it up ever, and to not be real, and to lead people to believe that I’m someone who has it all together?

Because, I’ve got news for the world. I do not have anything together. At all.

I am a mess.