Restoration

Hearts are a funny thing. They can be alive and beating and fully well. Sometimes they can be dead, too, though. This week, my heart has been dead. Not literally… but it sure felt like it.

This week has been long, tiring, and there have been times when I’ve felt so empty and alone that I just want to sit and cry. And, a couple of times, I actually did. I went for a drive one night and cried. I listened to a sermon one night and cried. I talked with a friend that night and cried. And another friend, and cried again. And another friend, and cried again.

And friends… I don’t cry. I’m not a crier. At all.

But this broken, bruised, barely-beating (sometimes dead) heart of mine has been through much, and whether by choice or by subconsciousness, I’ve held on to the things that have hurt my heart the most. I’ve continued letting them hurt me. Sometimes I’m lucky and I realize what I’m doing, and I take steps to correct my mentality. Sometimes I’m not as blessed as that, though… Like, I don’t realize it at all. Those are the times when my heart starts to decay.

This week my heart was decaying… I was feeling empty and alone and without hope. Thankfully, there were people here at camp who I’ve learned to love, and some people that I’ve had to re-learn how to love.

The restoration process can be painful. It can be long, and difficult, and energy depleting. But dang, is it worth it. I can already see the good things that will, and already are, coming from the restoration process that began yesterday.

Broken relationships restored, maybe not to their original splendor, but restored nonetheless.
Broken mentality restored, or being restored, to the mentality that I know Christ would rather me have.
Broken spiritual bodies restored, chains broken, hearts bound up.

He came to bind up the brokenhearted. Didn’t you know that?

Last night, in the middle of my crying fest, I remembered how Jesus’ heart broke for the people mourning Lazarus’ death. Christ shed tears and felt their pain. In my remembering, I wondered if God’s heart breaks for the smaller things. Not so much the death of a person, but the death or wounding of a friendship. That was a difficult thought for me, because in my heart being broken and my spirit being broken, I needed to know that Christ was feeling my pain also. Did Christ have a broken relationship? Does Judas’ betrayal count? Did Christ’s heart break at Judas’ bittersweet kiss?

Does Christ’s heart break for my heart when my heart is broken for things not as serious as death?

Or is anything that breaks our hearts as serious as death in the eyes of Christ? Is everything that serious? The things that cause us pain and cause us brokenness… Are those things just as much heart-breakers for Christ as they are for us? Or is it more intense for him?

Because, my heart was seriously breaking last night. It had been in the process of breaking for months now, and it finally stopped beating last night.

But then, a funny, beautiful thing happened. Life was spoken into me. The restorative process of letting myself be loved by others, and loving myself, begun.

All I know, is that Christ makes beautiful things out of ugly brokenness.

So Christ… make something beautiful out of my brokenness.

Create in me a pure heart, O God.