Control

Last night I spent a couple of hours babysitting kids at a church in Orlando. The kids were great. The first three that showed up cried for ten minutes. They huddled around the door trying to leave. I felt like a horrible person when a little girl screamed because I was bringing her away from the door (open at this time) and into the center of the room for toys. I’m serious. She screamed bloody murder. Thankfully, I had two younger helpers, Rodney and Molly. They were wonderful, and if they hadn’t been in there I probably would have died. There were eight kids. Two that kept trying to escape. One that succeeded in doing so. Don’t worry — he was rounded up just outside in the hall.

The church is located in a school, so the room we were in was a classroom. It’s actually a really nice room — they have a smartboard. If you haven’t seen one of those, they’re freaking sweet. I haven’t had the pleasure of actually using one since my freshman year in high school (about seven years ago now?), so they’re probably way cooler now. In any case, they’re sweet. We used it to play a movie so the kids would, y’know, shut up and calm down. It worked for a while, but I think that if I ever have kids, I won’t just plop them in front of a tv to keep them busy. With eight kids, it’s hard to engage them all at the same time, but you normally only pop one kid out of yourself at a time. So, if it’s possible to not give my kids a tv remote, or an ipod, or ipad, or computer, or whatever… then I won’t. I think I read somewhere that the internet actually makes us a little more stupid. Maybe I’m making that up.

Anyways, after I rounded up one girl from the door, the way I turned and the way I looked past the curtains, I could see some posters on the wall. There are curtains all up around the room to make sure kids don’t ruin anything, I guess (but really, the kids just like playing in curtains). But there was one poster that caught my eye, and I even moved in closer to read it. It was real short, real 90’s, real motivational-like, and real lame. But, it was so 90’s lame motivational, that I like it. The poster said, “self control is knowing you can, but choosing not to.” Bam. So short. So easy. So lame. So… convicting?

Who would have thought that a dumb old poster from a classroom in the middle of eight kids screaming and running around and tackling giant giraffe dolls would somehow convict me? I would have never thought, but it doesn’t really surprise me. These sort of little things happen to me a lot, if any of you remember . I am often blindsided by the ordinary. I like it, though. It just means I’m always on my toes… or something. whatever.

Anyways, that little poster got me thinking about a lot of things that I know I can do, and still choose to. Like cursing. Sometimes I curse. (Big surprise?) Not a lot, not a little… just enough to flavor the language of my tongue and make a sentence funny. Or make a statement serious. Also, I like food. Sometimes, I eat because it looks good, not because I’m hungry. And by “sometimes,” I think I mean most of the time. And also, I like driving. A lot. Sometimes I don’t really care about where I drive, or how long it takes to get there, or if there’s not really a destination at all. I just like driving. So I go. This is sometimes a poor choice because of lack of money for gas, or having other more important things to do, or whatever. Also, sometimes I don’t do homework. Not really this semester — I’ve been pretty good at it (except that wretched online class). But sometimes, mostly when I was in school before college, I never did homework. That’s probably why I didn’t get Bright Futures or any other scholarship. Also, sometimes I say mean things on purpose. Not a lot, sometimes they just… come out, but sometimes when something rude, mean, or just downright cruel comes out of my mouth? I know exactly what I’m saying.

See… there are a lot of things that I know I can do, and still do. What would it look like if I knew I could do them, but didn’t? What would it look like if I changed my whole verbiage so that not one bit of vulgarity came from my lips? What would it look like if I chose to eat only when I was hungry, and only until I full (and not overly full)? What would it look like if I only drove where I needed to go, and nowhere else? What would it look like if I did all of my homework, no excuses? What would it look like if I constantly watched the words that came out of my mouth, and monitored them, sifted through them, fixed them, before they filled the ears of the hearer? What would it look like if I spoke gently, full of Truth, full of love and kindness?

There are lots of things that I lack self-control over. Or maybe not lack self-control, but choose not to be controlled. In which case, am I still controlling myself? That’s too much thinking for this time of morning.

These are just the thoughts I woke up with this morning. That and, “why the hell is my phone ringing at 8am?”