this is a bit early.

It really is too early to do this, but I am inspired to do a 2011 wrap up post right this instant. It won’t be good. It’s never really good at all, is it? I just ramble and sometimes stumble into something sweet.

 

In January, I decided that this would be my best year yet. And, I think it truly has been.

In a matter of a month, I lost two things that were very important to me, and two things in which I found my identity. I lost my position as class President, though it’s not that prestigious nor glamorous and I didn’t actually try to get it (I sort of gave up at that), but I lost it nonetheless. And I also lost my job as a Resident Assistant. This was a bigger shock than I expected it to be, though I had a gut-feeling that I wasn’t going to get the job again. Gut-feelings for me are usually correct, and I only ever get them when it’s going to be bad. I think I cried too much at that loss, but in the end it was better. Not being an RA this school year has, so far, allowed me to be a little bit more human. I’m not handing out points left and right, and I’m not actually constricted to too many rules. I mean, they’re still there, but I don’t feel obligated to follow all of them now because I’m setting an example. I follow them now because I want to, not because I have to.

So in that month, I lost those two things. Both very important to me. Both left me feeling a little bit empty. And in the emptiness, I was forced to find my worth in something else. It took me a while, but eventually I re-approached the throne of the King. A little shyly at first, ashamed that I had let status (regardless of how unimportant in the bigger picture those positions were) get to my head and become the thing that I found my value in.

In my wobbly return to Jesus, speaking with him, thanking him, etc., I also found my voice for other things. I stood up for myself, for once in my life. In my standing up for myself, I lost a little bit of the other stuff and people who had kept (whether consciously or unconsciously) me from being the person God has wanted me to be. In losing those things, I learned to walk away from others. In walking away from others, I lost a few more things. So many little things that I can’t really explain them all, or how they’re all intricately connected. But each thing lost or turned away from brought me a bit closer to the King’s heart and realizing His heart for me.

Over the summer, I found out that I’m not that terrible of a public speaker. I mean, I’m pretty bad. But I’m not so bad that I should never do it. I also found out that I’m not that terrible of a camp counselor, which is something that I’ve always worried about. I spoke at camps for four weeks this summer about human trafficking and Rapha House and what Rapha is doing to help the broken. I talked about God’s hand in all of it. And during my first week of presenting this stuff, I cried in front of about 100 (or more) middle school students and camp staff. I was so dumbfounded that I cried on stage, that I mumbled an “I’m sorry” and walked as quickly as I could to the back room where I cried harder. That was the moment that I realized my intense heart of Rapha House and for the broken and for the people who don’t know Christ and for the kids sitting in the room that didn’t know they were important. It was such a mix of ridiculous revelations about myself and my heart that I couldn’t do anything but cry. All that came out of me were big, crocodile tears. It was so unreal. If you knew me then, you know that I’m not one for crying. Especially not in public.

And to cry in front of all those people? To realize my heart for Rapha? To realize my heart for the broken? To realize my heart for those students? The students who don’t know how important and awesome they are, and that they are the ones who are going to change our world?

That was huge.

So I spoke at four weeks of camp, in front of hundreds of middle school kids and a couple dozen high school kids and about a hundred camp staff people. I found my voice. And that was big.

And then I went to Cambodia in August. Not only was that awesome and life changing because I went to Cambodia, but it was awesome and life changing because I actually went to Cambodia.

If you know about my past with missions, you know that I’ve never followed through on my commitment to actually go on a trip. So, not only was deciding to go on this trip huge (which happened back in 2010), but raising the money was huge, and getting on that plane was huge.

To be honest, the night before we left I was having second thoughts and was seriously considering just not showing up.

Who does that?!

Losing things, re-discovering Jesus. Finding my voice. Growing a pair and going on a trip.

And then this school semester. I can’t even describe it. Somehow, I’ve managed to stay afloat. I’ve been neglectful of my studies, to say the least. I’m currently taking a break from my online class, which I got an extension on until the 9th about a month ago, and which I just started working on tonight.

Losing things, re-discovering. Voice. Trip. Afloat.

I’m realizing more and more how soon college will be over. I’m scheduled to graduate in spring 2013, and the closer it gets, the more scared I get. Oddly enough, I’m also very at peace with whatever happens after graduation. I’ll have lots of loans to pay off, but I’ll also not being going to graduate school right away. I’m excited to see where the Lord takes me.

I guess that means I’ve begun trusting Him more. And that’s a big deal, too, seeing as how I use to try and have a plan for my future. A general plan is good. Specific plans, no good.

Losing. Re-discovering. Voice. Trip. Afloat. Trust.

I lost myself, found myself in Christ. Found my voice. Overcame myself and went to Cambodia. Managed to stay afloat during this tough semester. Began trusting in the Lord more.

To add to this, I’ve also become a children’s minister. Something I never thought would actually happen (but always toyed with the idea). And now, because of it, I know even more so what I want to do with my life, and what I don’t want to do with my life.

Losing. Re-discovering. Voice. Trip. Afloat. Trust. Life.

I think it’s been a good year. A challenging year, if we’re talking about my heart. It’s been sort of an emotional rollercoaster. It’s still rollercoaster-y, and there’s still a month left of 2011.

Can you believe that? It’s December. A new year is coming up too, too fast.

 

It’s weird how I use to beg for life to speed up, but now all I want is it to slow down. This semester has literally flown by.

 

Slow down, life. Slow down.