Songs of Deliverance

There is something completely refreshing about confession. When I say confession, I’m not even meaning the act of confessing to another person. That is quite a relief, but what I am really talking about right now is when I humble myself at the foot of the throne and confess to my Father and my King the things that have blackened my heart.

Tonight I did that. Tonight I did the confession thing. I did the repenting thing. I did the asking for forgiveness thing. I sat in a dark classroom, doors locked and lights off, and leaned against a wall and confessed.

The things I confessed? I don’t think I’ve ever confessed them before. Not out loud at least.

And what a relief – what a burden lifted – to speak the words out loud. What a refreshing moment to speak the sins of my youth and shed light on them and ask for forgiveness.

The feeling of forgiveness is so sweet.

So I must wonder, what does it feel like to forgive yourself? This is where I am currently having trouble. Accepting God’s forgiveness is, for some reason, a bit easier than giving myself any grace. So after I spoke Truth to the lies, I then asked the Lord to do a number on my heart and in my life to help me forgive myself.

I’ll tell you – I haven’t thought about those things agains since I prayed for that. I haven’t dwelled on anything since then. I haven’t negated my feelings or had any hateful self-talk since then. This was only hours ago, but even this period of silence within myself is a big deal. Proof that the Lord has already begun working in me.

I think this is most directly connected to my confession and repentance before the Lord regarding these things. For so long they have been kept hidden and remained unspoken before Him. For so long I have been ashamed before the throne and refused to even utter even a hint as to what I have sinned against the Lord. But tonight, in that dark room there was freedom. Freedom I have never experienced before. I think that when I finally made audible my heart, the floodgates just opened.

Tonight I am reminded of a Matt Gilman song, which has always brought peace to me each time I listen to it. Tonight it is on repeat for a while.

Every Captive Free – Matt Gilman

For the spirit of the Lord God is upon me
Because He has anointed me to preach good news
Take away all of the sorrow and your mourning
To give the oil of joy and the garment of praise

For I have seen you in your captivity
And I will open up every prison door
So arise, and shine for your light is coming
And My glory is rising upon You

And I am dancing over you
And I am singing over you
Songs of deliverance
And I will set every captive free
And you will be with me

For you are mine

And I will carry the weight
Of all your iniquities
I’ve carried the burden
Of all your shame
And I’ve called you by name
I’ve called you by name
And you are mine