I am Peter

There are days when I see myself like Peter.

 

I ask eagerly for the Lord to call me out of the safety of the boat.

Then I doubt and start sinking.

 

I claim I would never turn my back on my Lord.

Then I deny, deny, deny until the sun comes up.

 

I stand confused at the Christ kneeling to wash my feet.

Then beg him to wash all of me, perfectly clean.

 

These days, the ones where I am eager and earnest and begging, come quickly and before I know it I am floundering about in the stormy water as I begin to doubt and deny in my confusion.

I stand in the boat in the storm and I see Christ walking on the water and I call out “Jesus, tell me to come to you and I will!  Tell me to walk on this water and I will!”  And he calls me out like I ask him to, and I climb out and over the edge of the boat and walk boldly on tossing waters towards my King.

But then I notice that I’m walking on tossing waves, with storm clouds rolling overhead and sheets of rain coming down on me and I begin to sink in my fear.  I start sinking and begin drowning and as I’m splashing and choking on the water that fills my lungs a hand reaches down and grabs me by the wrist.  He pulls me up to stand and says, “Oh, you of little faith…”

I can feel the heavy hand holding me, the sadness in the words that fill my ears and as we climb back in the boat the storm calms and I stand there with him.

Oh, me of little faith.  Why do I doubt?  Why do I fear?

Oh, me of little faith.

The journey is tumultuous.  It is hard, and it is me in a boat in the tossing storm with Christ walking towards me.  I call out, time and again, asking him to call me to him.  He does, and I go walking confidently, and then I look down and remember how small I am in this big storm.  I start to sink, and he pulls me up and back into the boat again, and he says, “Oh, you of little faith.  Why do you doubt?”

And I am Peter, huddled close to my Savior who washes my feet and washes me clean and holds me wholly together.  I am Peter, doubting and denying and confused.  I am Peter, eager and easily excitable and willing.  I am Peter, begging for more opportunities and more chances to be like Him who calms the storms over lakes and the storms in my soul.